Kevin Carr on "Bride Wars":

Its strange that the first movie on the blog to get two different posts devoted to it would be Bride Wars of all things, but there you go. Kevin Carr really, really hates weddings and is going to tell you how he feels no matter how many times you ask him politely to stop.

http://www.7mpictures.com/inside/reviews/bridewars_review.htm

"There were two thoughts that came to mind as I walked out of the screening of 'Bride Wars.'"

Tell us, Kevin!

The first was, 'That wasn’t so bad for a January release.” The second was, “God, I’m glad I have three boys and no girls.'"

"heh wimmen ami rite?"

"My first reaction, about how the movie’s not bad for a January release, is actually a compliment."

Thank you for reminding me of this, Kevin. I prefer to print out the movie reviews I read in invisible ink (lest the freemasons discover them) and the first few sentences had faded away, so repeating that last sentence was a life-saver.

"Normally, January is the dumping ground for Hollywood. Amid a flurry of limited release award films, we are besieged with an onslaught of terrible movies that couldn’t make it in a tent-pole release season (like the summer or holidays) and have no chance of winning awards. Case in point, last year’s January slate gave us 'One Missed Call,' 'Mad Money,' 'Untraceable,' 'Meet the Spartans', “First Sunday' and Uwe Boll’s crapsterpiece 'In the Name of the King.' (Sure, 'Cloverfield' and 'Rambo' also came out last January, but those were exceptions.)"

January is filled with lots of crap to mediocre movies, except when it isn't. Got it.

Also, "crapsterpiece" lol.


"For the most part, though, 'Bride Wars' is cute, friendly and funny more times than not. The story follows Liv (Kate Hudson) and Emma (Anne Hathaway) as best friends who have had a lifelong dream of a June wedding at the Plaza Hotel in Manhattan. When they each get engaged at the same time, they try to book the Plaza, only to find out they get double-booked on the same day. Neither wants to give up 'the happiest day of their life,' and they become bitter enemies to have the better wedding."

I'm not going to lie, I'm beginning to hate Kevin just because he puts so many goddamn quotation marks in his review. Speaking of bitter..


"That last part explains my second thought, the one about only having boys as my kids. I hope to God that I never have to deal with the insanity of flushing money down a toilet for an extravagant wedding."

"heh heh heh"

And again, Kevin, I appreciate your explanation of the order of your points, you went above and beyond, friend.

"(Does that make me bitter? Sure, but even when I was getting married, I could not ignore what a rip-off the entire wedding industry is. Sue me... I’m a dude.)"

I'm just going to go ahead and assume Kevin is divorced.

"There’s a myth in modern society that every girl must look forward to her wedding, and it is embodied by the characters of Liv and Emma. However, the reality is that most weddings are fraught with grief, angst, bickering and needless stress."

Kevin, I must confess that I don't think you know what a myth is. I'm pretty sure most "girls" (or, if you prefer, "dames") atleast look forward to their wedding. Consider this myth busted.

"And you pay through the nose for all this. Multiple times in the film, weddings are referred to as 'the happiest day' of the girls’ lives. Doesn’t this imply that it’s all downhill from their."

Kevin's wedding hit his wallet so hard that TO THIS DAY he can't afford a word processing program with a proper spellcheck tool.

" And let’s not forget that the wedding myth only boosts spoiled girls’ egos by making everything about them."

Man, this just keeps going, huh?

"Sure, this is the opinion of a guy, but I’ve been through a wedding and watched many a friend also get married. I consider myself an expert."

I'm pretty sure no one in the history of ever has ever written this much about hating weddings.

"Okay, I’ll step off my soap box now."

Thank god.

"Like many films I’ve seen over the years, the strongest parts of 'Bride Wars' rests on the shoulders of the supporting cast rather than the stars."

"In this paper, I hope to examine how the supporting cast of 'Bride Wars' follows Joseph Campbell's path of the mythic hero. The charact-"

"Don’t get me wrong... Hudson and Hathaway hold their own in the film. They’re both pleasant to look at, and they do a fine job acting."

"..But mostly it was their boobs"

"But the funniest characters are found in the supporting cast. Kristen Johnston is hilarious as Emma’s cantankerous friend from work, and June Diane Raphael plays a bit part as a bride on the way to divorce that steals all of the scenes she’s in."

I dunno Kevin, I don't think they could be as funny as your descriptions.

"I know a lot of the sympathy I could feel for the characters is lost on me because I have a Y chromosome..."

ugggghhh.

"...but I can understand and empathize with the female condition."

"...but watch out when their 'Aunt Flo' visits hehhehhehheh"

"Liv and Emma are overly focused on a wedding as a dream, and they are quite shallow in the beginning, but this does serve the comedy to a degree."

hahaha silly fuckin' bitches.

"Even though it has its flaws, 'Bride Wars' is far superior to last January’s wedding flick '27 Dresses' and last summer’s counter-programming 'Made of Honor.' You could do worse in Hollywood’s dumping ground."

Tune in next time for Kevin Carr's thoughts on his "honey" "moon" in Las Vegas ("more like 'LOST WAGES!') and, space permitting, his thoughts on The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.