An Australian Treat: Watchmen

Since I'm spending a semester in Australia, I might as well review some Australian critics. So here we have a man named Stan James.

In reading this review, I was lead to believe that James was not to familiar with Watchmen, or if he was, he grossly misinterpreted the story.

Alan Moore's landmark graphic novel hits the screen running flat out and delivers whopping serves on many fronts.

I'm not exactly sure what "running flat out" and "whopping serves" means for this movie. They sound like sports metaphors, but they could also be Australian colloquialisms for "was intense" and "has cool moments."

Narrated by raspy-voiced Rorschach (Jackie Earle Haley) he tells us its an alternate 1985.

For some reason I had a lot of trouble with this sentence and I couldn't quite put my finger on it. I mean besides the fact that Rorschach doesn't narrate the movie any more than Dr. Manhattan does. We are just treated to his thoughts from his journal. And he also does not tell us it is an alternate 1985. That would've just been weird. "October 12, 1985...well, a parallel 1985."

But this sentence just did not sound right. And I realized that it is grammatically incorrect. The first part of the sentence is referring to Watchmen as a whole, and the second part is just referring to Rorschach. Unless Rorschach is narrated by Rorschach. Then it makes sense.

Using a series of flashbacks, director Zack Snyder propels the story and gives a history of [the Watchmen's] pasts.

Ignoring the redundancy of what a flashback is, the flashbacks are not Snyder's choice. They were originally in Moore's novel. This is one of the reasons I believe James is not familiar with Watchmen. Also, this is the only sentence about flashbacks. I'd allow this comment if James showed how using the flashbacks would have been a good stylistic choice, as if no flashbacks would be found if someone else directed the movie.

At this point, I realized that this sentence makes up the whole paragraph. Then I realized that every paragraph is one sentence long in this review. Then I realized that was the case for every article in this newspaper. Is this true of all newspaper articles, or is just an Australian thing?

Adrien Veidt (Matthew Goode) is the world's fastest man and filthy rich, having licensed his identity; Dan Dreiberg (Patrick Wilson) is a look-alike Batman and gadget expert; and Laurie Jupiter (Malin Akerman) had superpowers passed on by her mother.

Hahaha, I missed this the first time, and even as I was writing this quote I thought I had mistyped, but no. Veidt is the world's "fastest" man, apparently. In the movie, they make many references to him being the world's smartest man, but never the fastest. The only times that he can be misconstrued as fast are when he is having a fight scene. But all fight scenes use that Snyder-flair of slow-then-fast motion, so this does not apply only to Veidt. But I guess it would explain how he is able to dodge a lot of things.

I don't even know what "look-alike Batman" means. They both have nifty gadgets and their costumes are based on creatures of the night, but Nite Owl never struck me as a Batman reference. Dreiberg is a little too nerdy for Batman.

And finally, none of the Watchmen have superpowers, save for Dr. Manhattan. Everyone is just a costumed vigilante. Silk Spectre's mantel was handed down by her mother, but unless Laurie also has the power of looking terrible in age make-up, no superpowers were passed down.

Speaking of Dr. Manhattan, what were his powers again?

...regenerative superpowers and the ability to see the future.

That's a little simple for a man who has been blessed with THE POWERS OF A GOD.

(Also, as a nitpick, he could only see his own future.)

It's mighty spectacular, gets out of control now and then, but its dark edges grip and the energy and colour of its characters give it plenty of superhero grunt.

Stan James liked the movie and is trying to persuade those unfamiliar with the original story to come see it. He knows what his audience likes. Grippy dark edges and superhero grunt. Looking down the page, I notice that all movie reviews are written by him. This will be a fun semester.